Hey, look! Pre-cut fruit in a bowl just sitting out on a table, waiting to be eaten. Don’t mind if I do. Especially when the fruit looks as colorful and fresh as this particular fruit.
As usual it took every ounce of will power I have inside of me not to stuff the entire black bowl under my shirt and run back to my desk. Plus. the idea of eating directly out of that giant black spork was almost to good to resist. But I did the decent thing and scooped a moderately sized portion into a tiny paper bowl.
Now, I think it’s unfair for the fruit to be judged as a group. I mean, It’s not the pineapples fault if the strawberries are smashed. Well, unless they are the ones that did the smashing… Point is, I have decided that each fruit will be judged as an individual, and the total rating of the fruit salad will be an average based on the individual ratings.
Let’s start with the Watermelon. It was melony. It was watery. It was ripe. And it was seedless. What else could a free food critic ask for? 5 out of 5 plastic forks.
The Strawberries were ripe, they were big, but they were indeed a little smashed. Also, I like my strawberries intact an un-sliced. So the berries get 2.5 out of 5 plastic forks.
The pineapple was friggin’ amazing. It was colder than all the other fruit, thus making it appear fresher and each piece had more juice than the last. 5 out of 5 plastic forks.
The Blueberries seemed like filler. They were really hard to stab with the fork and I honestly am not even sure if they taste like anything. 1 out of 5 plastic forks.
The Raspberries, much like the strawberries, fell victim to smashing. However they get scored a half a point less because one of them was really sour and gave me pucker face. 2 out of 5 plastic forks.
The Blackberries were effin’ tart and also gave me pucker face. But I expect it out of any good blackberry. 3 out of 5 plastic forks.
The kiwi…hmm…wierd. I didn’t get any kiwi in my bowl. I am a little disappointed. You know I can’t help but blame the kiwi for intentionally dodging the giant plastic spork. Screw you kiwi. 0 out of 5 plastic forks.
Alright, let’s see a 5 a 2, carry the 1 multiply by three. My calculations show that collectively this fruit salad has earned a 2.25 out of 5 plastic forks. I totally agree with this assessment because I am the one who made it. I just feel a little bad for the pineapple. It was so amazing.
