Free Food Critic

Someone left this minty Snapple in a “Kiss Me” coozie front-and-center on my desk while I was away. In an attempt to find out who left me this flirtatious treat, I checked with the Snapple team but came up with zero leads. Now, I know Snapple is magical but this drink didn’t magically grow legs and walks itself onto my desk, which means someone is lying.  But that’s between him and God.

Anyhow, through my investigation I did find out the “Make a Mint Tea” flavor is extremely rare and considered by some to be the best flavor. 

I’ll be the judge of that…

Now, I’ve been to a few of those fancy restaurants where they give you real silverware and put mint leaves in the tap water. So, I had a pretty good idea of how this stuff was going to taste. Little did I know, my expectations were all wrong.

Cliché as it sounds, it was love at first sip. Seriously. This stuff is really the best stuff I’ve ever tasted (in the ingestible liquid category at least). So good in fact, I considered putting the lid back on and storing it in the cellar for a special occasion like the birth of my first child or getting out of a speeding ticket. But, at the same time, I couldn’t help myself from taking another sip… and then another…until the bottle was as empty as my soul. 

I am proud to give this ridiculously amazing stuff 5 out of 5 plastic forks and a single crocodile tear. Because as I type this, I realize I may never have the pleasure of enjoying this magical delight ever again. Instead, I have this vacant green coozie and a memory. Sigh…

I am all for muffins and toplessness. But a topless muffin? Why bother?

I’ll tell you why I bother. I’ve been slacking on eating and reviewing free food. It’s not that it’s unavailable. It’s just that I usually come across it on my way back from lunch or on my way to the bathroom. I always plan on doubling back but by the time I return I find the free food’s either gone or has been picked into something unrecognizable as food.

In response to my inactivity, this muffin was delivered directly to my cubicle this morning. You’ll notice it is without a top. The giver of this muffin insisted that someone else removed the top but I’m not so sure. Chances are she prefers the muffin top but couldn’t stomach eating or wasting the rest. (I know your secrets.)

Basically, in people’s minds I see now that I am one step above a trash can. And I am okay with that, which is why I felt obliged to give this muffin-butt a chance. 

To my surprise, it was actually quite good. It was of a sugary-cinnamon flavor that I enjoy, very moist, and overall quite physically and emotionally fulfilling considering the deficiency in topness.

If I were to review this solely as a muffin-butt, I wouldn’t hesitate to give it 4.5 out of 5 plastic forks. But because I can only think about how amazing the crispy sugar-coated top would have been, I am forced to give this stump-of-a-muffin 2 out of 5 plastic forks. 

Free sodas are a dime a dozen around here. But a free Diet Coke freshly poured over Denny’s ice in a Denny’s cup with a descriptive little note? A find like this this doesn’t happen every day. This one occurrence alone is nearly a miracle. 

Now, let me start by saying that I prefer regular Coke. Although, this isn’t to say I won’t drink Diet Coke. I just figured I’d mention it, on the off chance someone intentionally left this for me.

Now, unless this particular Diet Coke fairy was periodically returning to add ice, based on the temperature and “watery-ness” of this Diet Coke, I assume it was approximately an hour old. A little riper than I prefer my diet soda but still refreshing.
The fake sugar was clearly still intact and it tasted almost as good as the real stuff. And though the bubbles had begun to slightly decrease in population, it was still bubbly enough to keep me slurping and making that “ahhhh” sound.

The reduction in bubbles and noticeably watery nature of this Diet Coke result in a deduction of 3 plastic forks. But the fact that I LOVE drinking out of straws compels me to add one fork back. But because this Diet Coke didn’t come with a straw and I had to search for one I am forced to take that last fork back. Final score - 2 out of 5 plastic forks. 

I was either blessed by the Free Food Fairy or my neighbors had a BBQ last night, because I found some partially eaten chicken wings and a substantial helping of white rice on a plate in the back of my truck this morning. 

I know what you are thinking. “Oh no you didn’t”, and to be honest I wouldn’t have if I didn’t feel a sincere obligation to the 8 people that read this blog. So, Oh yes I did.

And wooooweee, It must have been cold last night because the rice was nearly frozen solid. It’s because I almost broke a tooth on the rice that I rate it 1 out of 5 plastic forks.

The chicken didn’t have much meat left on the bones, I don’t know if it was whole and a raccoon got to it before me, or if the generous neighbor left it this way. But besides being ice cold, the small amount of meat I was able to pull off the bone had an amazing seasoning. Spicy, yet sweet.I wish there was more. It’s totally worthy of 3.5 out of 5 plastic forks

I can’t remember the last time I had one of these things.

That’s why when I stumbled across this “sweet deal” I had to “bite.” Sorry, I know those puns are bad; but believe me, they aren’t half as bad as Peeps.

Now, as far as Easter candy goes, I don’t remember Peeps being as delicious as Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs or anything. I also don’t remember them being this god-awful.

You would think considering their nuclear-yellow color they would have at least a few good-tasting chemicals. Nope. All disgusting. 

I am convinced they make these evil things out of marshmallows that have gone bad. I know what you’re thinking, ”marshmallows don’t go bad.” Well, eat one of these things and then try and tell me that. Seriously, the only reason the Peeps company doesn’t go out of business is because they only sell these atrocious things once a year giving you 350 days to forget how horrible they are. 

I hope I never see another Peeps for as long as I live. -1 out of 5 plastic forks! Because eating it probably took one year off my life.

What do I gotta do to get in on this focus group?

Chips, Fruit cookies,delicious gourmet sandwiches AND Ice water???

This must have been what Eve felt like when that asshole snake offered her the apple.

I mean, normally I wouldn’t let a paper sign deter me, Laminated sign, maybe. But in this case I had to refrain because this little smorgasbord of deliciousness is right in the lobby of my office which has a pretty steady flow of traffic. Any one of the passers by could bust me just for looking at it the way I did.  

Since the title of this blog is not “FocusGroupFoodBandit” I decided to walk away without filling up a plate. And it is because I showed restraint that I give myself 5 out of 5 plastic forks.

While I was sitting at my desk this afternoon I felt that oh-so-familiar 3:30 sugar craving start to set in. I was thinking about how I was going to get my fix when suddenly my phone rang. The receptionist told me I had a guest in the lobby. (FYI, I never have guests)

Turns out I misheard her, probably because my glucose levels were hitting rock bottom. She had said I had a “gift” not a “guest”. The gift was a box of fresh cookies and a carton of ice cold milk. 

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I stared at it in disbelief. “wait, these are for me?” “you’re sure?” “Sure it wasn’t a name that sounded like mine?” I mean, I was taking them regardless of whose name was actually on the card, but I just wanted to know who, just incase it was someone bigger and stronger than me. The receptionist seemed pretty certain they were for me, and after looking at the card it was confirmed. Mine! All mine! Legally!

I was an unbelievable feeling, Kind of like planning to rob a bank, then discovering you own the bank and all the money inside. And it lasted almost an entire minute until I realized that the sender didn’t leave their name, and it’s April fools day. 

So, as I eat my third cookie and sip on this ice cold milk I forsee one of two things happening.

1- They are weed cookies, making this the best april fools prank ever.  And I am going to be loaded in about an hour. In which case I preemptively rate them 5 out of 5 plastic forks. 

2- The sender forgot to leave their name and I actually did something to deserve them. Which makes me feel a little weird. Like I should be thanking someone. but who? I don’t enjoy the uncertainty. So, I am forced to rate these anonymous guilt biscuits 2 out of 5 plastic forks. 

Ooo muffins. Or as I often refer to them, “Breakfast Cupcakes”. Now it is currently closer to lunchtime than it is to breakfast, so I had to make an important decision here. Do I stretch breakfast well into noon with a muffin, or do I avoid the muffins and go on a post-meeting sandwich hunt in an hour or so? 

I think If the muffin spread only consisted of what’s on doily #1, I may have opted out. But I could not walk away from two un-picked-at perfectly-edible muffins.

After choosing to par-take I suddenly found myself confronted with a much more difficult and important decision. Chocolate chocolate, or banana nut. Or as I thought about it, A sugar crash, or a muffin with nuts in it. (which I am NOT a fan of.) Maybe it’s because I am getting older and wiser, or maybe because it was closer to me, but I went with Banana nut. I am sure the 6 year old version of myself would call me a “stupid head”. But the 6 year old version of me was a little punk.

The Banana nut muffin would have been amazing sans nuts. It would have been decent with a few nuts. But because there was not only a slew of nuts on the top, AND baked into the body of the muffin I feel like a fair assessment of this too-nutty muffin is 2 out of 5 plastic forks.

While on my routine 4pm free food patrol, I happened upon a small bowl of Reese’s peanut butter cups and a pitcher of ice water in a conference room. 

The dilemma: The bowl was full, the pitcher was full, the room…empty. So either a meeting had just happened and no one par-took in the delicious treats, or a meeting hadn’t started yet and I was about to poach.

To play it safe I only took 2 cups and a small glass of ice water. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Ice Water!!??”.

Yes. Ice water.

See, cold water isn’t easy to come by around these parts. The water cooler in the kitchen can’t cool water as fast as people drink it. It should actually be re-named the water room-tempratuizer.

Now I am a fan of Reese’s. I mean I am not a fiend. But they are pretty good. But when you add the thrill of not knowing if it’s okay to take them, they instantly become a very strong 5 out of 5 plastic forks

The Ice water was super cold. So cold in fact that it made my teeth hurt. Which I did not like. But that’s not the water’s fault. Therefore I award the ice water 4 out of 5 plastic forks.

Hey, look! Pre-cut fruit in a bowl just sitting out on a table, waiting to be eaten. Don’t mind if I do. Especially when the fruit looks as colorful and fresh as this particular fruit.

As usual it took every ounce of will power I have inside of me not to stuff the entire black bowl under my shirt and run back to my desk. Plus. the idea of eating directly out of that giant black spork was almost to good to resist. But I did the decent thing and scooped a moderately sized portion into a tiny paper bowl.

Now, I think it’s unfair for the fruit to be judged as a group. I mean, It’s not the pineapples fault if the strawberries are smashed. Well, unless they are the ones that did the smashing… Point is, I have decided that each fruit will be judged as an individual, and the total rating of the fruit salad will be an average based on the individual ratings.

Let’s start with the Watermelon. It was melony. It was watery. It was ripe. And it was seedless. What else could a free food critic ask for? 5 out of 5 plastic forks.

The Strawberries were ripe, they were big, but they were indeed a little smashed. Also, I like my strawberries intact an un-sliced. So the berries get 2.5 out of 5 plastic forks.

The pineapple was friggin’ amazing. It was colder than all the other fruit, thus making it appear fresher and each piece had more juice than the last. 5 out of 5 plastic forks.

The Blueberries seemed like filler. They were really hard to stab with the fork and I honestly am not even sure if they taste like anything. 1 out of 5 plastic forks.

The Raspberries, much like the strawberries, fell victim to smashing. However they get scored a half a point less because one of them was really sour and gave me pucker face. 2 out of 5 plastic forks.

The Blackberries were effin’ tart and also gave me pucker face. But I expect it out of any good blackberry. 3 out of 5 plastic forks.

The kiwi…hmm…wierd. I didn’t get any kiwi in my bowl. I am a little disappointed. You know I can’t help but blame the kiwi for intentionally dodging the giant plastic spork. Screw you kiwi. 0 out of 5 plastic forks.

Alright, let’s see a 5 a 2, carry the 1 multiply by three. My calculations show that collectively this fruit salad has earned a 2.25 out of 5 plastic forks. I totally agree with this assessment because I am the one who made it. I just feel a little bad for the pineapple. It was so amazing.